Notes Toward an Obese Fiction

Last night I indulged in a childhood favorite: the bacon sandwich.

Essentially a BLT without the L and T, the "B" or B&M (bacon and mayonnaise) is a perfect mix of fat, fat, and dry bread. I hadn't eaten one of these in, oh, at least fifteen years when it occurred to me in my late night fit of hunger that I had the three necessary ingredients on hand: soft white characterless sandwich bread, thin supermarket bacon, and fake mayonnaise, by which I mean NOT what the East Coasters call "Hellman's" and what the rest of us call "Best Foods." I mean what in my youth used to be called "Imitation Mayonnaise" until marketing folks in the health-conscious 90s decided they could move more units by calling it "Light Mayonnaise." No matter--same product. Best Foods/Hellman's does make a version (and it was lauded by America's Test Kitchen) but for my money, Nalley's Light is the way to go. Less greasy than real mayo and more tangy (but not annoyingly so, like Miracle Whip), it provides the perfect hint of moisture to a sandwich composed of two parts crunchy/crispy. The slight vinegar tang helps to cut the fat bacon mouthfeel as well.

Since I almost never have fresh produce on hand (I dash to the Farmer's Market or Safeway when I need something--I try not to abuse my fruits and veggies by allowing them to perish in my unevenly cool fridge), this is the perfect spur-of-the-moment snack. Friday at midnight is not the time to be running to the greengrocer, in any case.

And I always have bacon on hand. But never eggs.

The composition of the sandwich is quite simple. Toast the bread, slather with fake mayo, and top with a few slices of crispy bacon. The microwave is helpful here.

It was delicious. And I won't have another for at least a few weeks.

Also good is the PBB--Peanut Butter and Bacon. I used to love these things as a kid. As an adult, I've noticed that the rather aggressive tastes of peanut and bacon tend to fight each other. If you use a sweeter peanut butter and a very smoky bacon, a flavor balance can be achieved. But bland salty bacon and bland salty peanut butter make a bland salty sandwich. It's worth a try though, if you're a PBB virgin.


Today then, I had a pork roast sandwich. Same formula--white bread, fake mayo, pork roast. The roast is much leaner than the belly bacon. It also is over-seasoned with fennel. I'll go lighter on the fennel next time.

Tonight's repast will be whatever I can cobble together from the take-out boxes on the top shelf. I've got two boxes of Thai and three of Chinese. And some Korean ramen.