"I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance." --Wesley Snipes

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

This Just In

A cooking tip from Dr. Johnson:

If preparing Squirrel Head Cheese Surprise as an appetizer, it is best to do so in the spring, for it is in this season that these fine creatures are most delectable inside, energized and plumped as they are by the nuts they have saved all winter. For a party of four, sixteen heads will do. Sever the heads, wash them with soap to remove all parasites in the fur, and pull the skin down around the cavity at the base, sewing as you would a hen for roasting. Now drop them into a pot of boiling water for up to six hours and go about your chores, perhaps taking the time to prepare other things for the gathering, or even to make a centerpiece of wildflowers, if they are handy. After this boiling time (don't forget to set the timer!) the skin and flesh should peel off easily down to the skull. Simply pull off, sutures and all, making sure the cavity is positioned upward, lest the cheeses fall out. Now take an empty egg carton and place the skulls (they should be white as fresh eggs! ) cavity-side up. Stuff each cavity with a wad of fresh bacon. Now place the skulls in a baking dish (a tin foil bottom is a good idea, as it saves quite a bit of clean-up time) and bake, uncovered, at 375 degrees for two hours. Remove and put four skulls on each plate, garnishing with parsely or other herb. Instruct the guests (this, incidentally, is a fine dish to serve when having experimental-type poets over to dinner, especially those from New York or Philadelphia, unaccustomed as they are to Midwestern fare!) in how to use the nutcrackers. Simply say, in a casual voice, "You just crack it open like a walnut." Then, after doing this yourself, show them how to directly suck out the cheeses from the fissure created by the nutcracker. You may say, before doing so: "Imagine that this is the brain of Billy Collins." Then, having sucked, take a swallow from your drink (a dry white is best with this appetizer) and watch your guests do it, putting special attention on the poet whom you sexually desire. If he or she is awkward (this is likely) on the first try, quickly say "Oh, dear!" and get up, take his or her napkin, and dab the cheeses away from the chin. Then, taking a second skull, crack it for him or her, and raise the fissure to the mouth of the object of your desire (hopefully he or she will not just be sexy, but also have connections that will lead to a publication for you!) and beg him or her to suck. Whisper this word "suck," while closing your eyes and pressing your buttocks tightly together with all of your might. If the weather is agreeable, make sure the windows are open, for the sake of the breeze and for the songbirds. Use the bacon to mop up any cheeses spilled onto the plate.

Enjoy! You will be a hit!

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