I've never had so much guilt as I do right now.
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I can't prevent bad things from happening to people, but I can choose how I react even if it means bottling up my own feelings for a while.
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I am not angry at anyone except myself. I hope those who need to know this know this. What I am is sad, confused, guilty, and feeling totally alone (I know, I have friends, but I feel alone even with them around).
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My mental state these past few weeks has been dependent on knowing whether or not L. is okay, and when I don't know, I am miserable. (And I don't mean "okay" in the sense that everything is better, but I mean, just at that moment, is somewhere safe with people who can help her and love her.)
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I swear that I feel horrible to even blog this. Airing private, personal matters. It somehow strikes me as inappropriate.
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I've hurt people. I can't fix that.
I've been a bad friend. I've been a bad partner.
I'm dealing.
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2 comments:
Tony,
I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing a bad moment. If it makes you feel less alone, we all feel these things at some point or another. The good thing is that you are wise enough to know exactly how you feel. Some people go through life without feeling anything, which is a shame.
I hope you feel better soon. Nothing ever stays the same, so I promise you that things will get better.
Granted, I'm saying this without really knowing what's going on. But I thought I'd speak from my own experiences. Which I feel have dealt with many serious things I'd like to forget.
mucho cariño, tony & best wishes for l. too
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